when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
