I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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