hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
