I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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