she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
