Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
