you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The Olympian is in my bed
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
