theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
