I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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