I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
