guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
