During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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