I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
