i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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