apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
