i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Two words: nipple clamps
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