Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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