did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
