I feel like abortions should bother me more
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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