I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
