Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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