I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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