I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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