i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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