Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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