I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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