it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
