Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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