Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
