I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
