I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
