I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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