hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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