My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
