New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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