I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
