ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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