My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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