So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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