I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
