sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
