I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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