So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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