I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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