So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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