The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
