My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
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