I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
