Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
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Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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