don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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