is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
