I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
