We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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