Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
