Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
