why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
