I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
