I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
