Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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