I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
