OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
