A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
