Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
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Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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