She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
