watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
