a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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